Please Keep Breathing

Exit Music (for a film) is the one song that makes me feel okay. I can relax and breath a little when I hear it. "please, keep breathing" it says it right there and just hearing Thom Yorke sing it convinces me that if i just keep breathing, and don't lose my nerve, it will be okay. I can hear this song and feel completely dead to all major emotions other than the sweet taste of yearning. I yearn for peace in my battling mind. Crying never got anyone anywhere (for example alice cries so much that it becomes a major issue) This song helps me to not lose it. I can hold myself together when i hear my inner coscience singing to me through Thom. Times like now are perfect for mild apathy, why dwell on my selfish hearts desires and wishes when nothing can be changed.
S.O.W- Exit Music (for a film)
A.O.W-The Carpenters

~Sing us a song, a song to keep us warm.

Encouraging Discouragement

The past few weeks have been...discouraging and encouraging at the same time. Say what? As the hours and days went by I started seeing myself slipping into a somewhat nocturnal state. I slept 12 hours every day, and the rest of the time I just went to class and did whatever else expected of me. Throughout this time I have figured out difficult things about myself that I choose not to believe. I also have never prayed and read as much of the bible, than I have these past few weeks. What have I been asking God? Help! Help me! Fix me and help me! Interestingly enough, He is helping me slowly. I just have to have the faith and patience to get through this...

Another thing that gives me so much encouragement, is the absolute beauty of nature right now. I love fall for this!

As I have said before, my playlist can show how I'm feeling; so I looked at my Top 25 played (which consists of mostly Radiohead) and I saw a new song that has never been a song I've payed attention to....

Song of the week: Fix You by Coldplay http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI-o25K6B-E

Artist of the Week: Sondre Lerche http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=618-UYb-8bg

Oh! My Selfish Heart Divides Me...

This past Sunday I went to the Barlow Girl, Superchick concert in Valporaiso, Indiana. It was quite fantastic to say the least. I surprised my little sister and we spent the day together in bliss, and then we drove out to Valpo for the concert, little did we know that there was a time change and we ended up getting there about two hours early... As I pulled up to the church I saw a huge SUV that has WFRN plastered all over it, driving this huge gas hog was my coach:Honey Storlie. I went up to her and said hi, and since Caitlin (little sister) and I were so early we decided to give Coach a hand. Then, she surprised us with VIP passes into the concert! We were able to meet both bands of Barlow Girl and Superchick, it was fantastic. And what's even more fantastic is that Becca Barlow (the lead guitar, and backup vocals) said, "Wow, I really like your hair, that purple looks so cool!" Yes people, a Barlow Girl commented on my awesome hair haha. Anyway, we got a great picture with them and I wished them all good luck. The concert was fantastic, (i could do without the chairs, it made it profoundly difficult to dance and jump) I got to here one of my favorite songs by Superchick (Beauty From Pain) and was scolded for recording the song. Then during the intermission, my coach asked my sister and I to come help her throw free t-shirts and stuff to the crowd, happily I obliged. Backstage, I got to see some awesome things, like Superchick performing from the curtain view, and also Barlow Girl praying in a neat little circle for their performance off stage. We also got to pray with one of the intro. bands (Vota) lead singer. Then I went on stage and yelled "FREE STUFF" and the crowd rose to their feet, hands in the air ready to catch whatever I threw. Then Barlow Girl performed and it was an amazing show, they played one of their old songs that I love "Never Alone" which I actually learned how to play on guitar a few years ago. And my favorite song of the night was "Beautiful Ending" because it is a particularly gorgeous song played by these unique girls. The lyrics are very meaningful, and encouraging making it a powerfully, deep song. The night was fantastic, and God was truly present throughout the entire time making the sister date a perfect one!

Music Artist of the week: (DUH) Barlow Girl. Check them out, they are three sisters from Elign, Illinois, and each and every one of them is incredibly talented. Alyssa Barlow even played bass, piano, and sang at the same time during the songs. And Lauren Barlow plays the drums while singing too, which can be quite difficult. These girls are incredibly encouraging and positive and are also partnered with Mercy Ministries which helps girls with any kind of issue really (eating disorders, self injury, pregnancy, etc.) They are a great band with a great cause.

Song of the Week: "Beautiful Ending"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixj6A_ZIuiI

Lyrics:

Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You were
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
My selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Oh, why do I
Let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars
And hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart
Makes me forget
It's not me but You
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You
And dying from me

28:06:42:12

That's right folks, it is Donnie Darko Month! For those of you who haven't seen Donnie Darko, get up right now and go to Blockbuster, get the movie (and maybe, possibly some Apple Cider) and watch it, as soon as possible!!! The movie has an essential theme of overcoming your fear of death and also of loneliness. Donnie mentions that 'everyone dies alone' So loneliness and death could even go hand in hand. I've always thought that I would never be afraid of death because there is nothing to fear, once your dead you can finally be with God...but when I was faced with death I realized that I do fear death. I fear the unknown, even if the unknown will be with God. So as you embrace the glorious month of Donnie Darko, also remember all of the different obstacles that you can overcome with a little bit of motivation, a few friends, and of course the Almighty One.

With much thought and appreciation for music, I am proud to announce the Music Artist of the Week:

Muse

Muse just came out with a new album 'The Resistance' which has a lot of political references in it and a great quote for this blog.

"If you could flick a switch and open your third eye, You'd see that We should never be afraid to die"-from the song "Uprising" which was also featured on the political radio station NPR.

Start Over

A house of cards, the simple heart is not a place to dwell now you have a cake don't hesitate

c'mon just do it, c'mon just do it. Put it in your mouth there is only now. Tomorrow has to wait,

but no theres no backing out this is gonna be reality you can never dream it down.

I have no way of telling the two apart.

Well I made amends in the general sense the devils in the details.

and I know the cause and I wanna stop but I can't do it i just can't do it. There was love I meant there were accidents so tell me which is which cause I just can't work it out, but for memory and clarity i better write it down. I have no way of knowing the truth of time dissolved.

I put the past into the ground, I saw the future as a cloud, if theres no time to turn around but I'm going to. Its just one day i fell asleep and now a day i'm not a dream.

I am the first one i decieve if i make myself believe,

the rest is easy.

-Sometimes I express myself best from lyrics of other songs. This song is currently on repeat on itunes which tells me something about myself. There's something that I am going to change and I'm using this song to help me do it.

Open Your Heart...

In all of this world there is only one person who is ultimately faithful,

reliable and dependable. Someone that we can entirely put our trust into.

That reliable, trustworthy being is God. I have been going through everyday

trying to find something to make me happy,

make me fond,

make me proud,

make me complete.

But these substitutes of ultimate love are unstable. They eventually grow distant.

They will eventually return to the ground from which they were made.

That is why I am putting my all and everything into God. He is the one who will

always be there, He is with me even now. Every second of the day He is by my side, watching me,

guiding me, and encouraging me to continue this life.

"But happy are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God. He is the one who made heaven and earth, the sea and everything in them. He is the one who keeps ever promise forever..." Psalm 146:5-6

Also the musical artist of the week is SANTOGOLD! (ay ay ay ayy)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SIRpKa5ZMA

Art provided by: Carlton Vanskiver (my man)

Here Comes the Sunrise

Everything has been going great in the past few weeks because I have, by the work of God, gotten back into school and I get to run this season. God opened up so many doors for this to happen and I am very happy about it. But this time that I am going through right now has been tough. I have been with Emma constantly for the past six months and I came back home by myself last week. So needless to say, I feel alone and that something is missing. My bank account keeps going negative too, so I've been job hunting every day and I've always hated job hunting. Then a few days ago, I was feeling very down and depressed when I decided to pick up the guitar and learn a new song. My little brother gave me a Brandon Heath CD so I decided to pick a random song and I picked "Sunrise" without even looking at the lyrics. Then as I was going through the lyrics I realized that this song was truly encouraging me, it was somehow putting a smile on my face. God has been speaking to me more and more lately and He is my sunrise.

I may be paranoid, but not an android

Paranoid Android by Radiohead.

Listen to it.

Feel it.

Love it.

Pass it on.

I love this song for so many reasons. To start off, of course those who know me know that I love Radiohead so the fact that it is by radiohead is a pretty big deal! Point number two, the lyrics are thought provoking, calming, motivating and gve me that feeling of love for music. I also very much like the guitar parts in this song, i'm trying to learn it for my boyfriend and that has made me really appreciate the guitar part. I also love the different moods this song goes through, just like how I can go from upset to, happy to sad to loving to concerned and apathetic in a matter of 6:23. 

Amen and amen

"A Glass Can Only Spill What it Contains"

"What new mystery is this? In Overflowing Emptiness, the invisible is seen among the shadows and the mist, before my doubting eyes, the infinite appears in time, the unquestionable is questioned but makes no reply" -mewithoutYou

The lyrics of this song (and almost every other mewithoutYou song) pierce deeply into my thoughts. I hear so many things when I hear these lyrics. I hear that when I am feeling empty I also feel like I'm about to explode with so much emptiness that it just fills me and eats me up inside. I hear that if you look hard enough for the invisible things in life you will see them, but you will not believe that you saw them. I have been looking for God all my life and when I see him among the "shadows and the mist" I doubt it with all my heart, and think that it wouldn't be that easy to see after looking so hard. I hear that I am asking God about the wrong things and that is why I am hearing no reply. 

One Saturday Morning

Emma and I have been awake for quite some time now. 

We cleaned our room so, now it is partly clean which is fantastic! 

But then we ended up watching a few movies, Semi-Pro and Hound Dog.  

Turns out the time slipped by and it was then 9:00 so we are watching some nice saturday morning cartoons!

 Full day ahead, time to house sit for my mom! YES!

Going through life by learning the ups and downs by going through them personally can be tough. Okay that's an understatement to say the least...I'm starting to learn some of the hardest things in life, or at least I hope so. I've learned that I need to get out of bed and actually go to class because no one is going to care unless I, personally, care. I've learned that when I get too close to a friend I tend to completely push them away. As a result of learning that I've learned that I'm a total idiot for doing that. As a result of that I'm learning what I actually need to do when I'm getting close with a friend, and that is to embrace that friendship. Times are going to get tough but that's what friends are for, God put them in our lives for a reason and the only way to figure that out is by letting them be your friend, becoming the most vulnerable that you can be. I am learning that I need to stop cruising through life and  start doing something to make a difference. I have learned that in order for me to feel significant in this world, I need to do something significant, and I won't have it any other way.

Figuring out me editing...

I've been up for a while now...since like five-ish working on figuring out the editing system that i bought...anyway, I figured a lot of stuff out and i figured i would put up what i just threw together a few minutes ago...enjoy

MFEO

So, sometimes I go through those phases where I only see the down side of things, which can sometimes be very little in comparison to the up-side of things. So, I just thought I should let all who read this small pathetic blog of mine know that one of the best things happening in my life right now is the development of a friendship. God has truly blessed me with the presence and love of Emma Miller and I think that we will always be the best of friends. We stay up late together laughing and talking, we coordinate our outfits to match during dodgeball, we go out to eat instead of eating the horrible college food that is served, we make everyone feel like third wheel that is around us, we cry together, we laugh together and we truly love one another. When I look at Emma I can safely say that God meant for us to meet and be friends. She is my hero and my encourager. And that is how it will always be. (She is also the only one subscribed to me right now, therefore possibly the only one reading this:) Regardless, we were made for eachother MFEO

Sometimes You Have To Be Your Own Best Friend

For the past year I have come to the realization that the best company a person can have is themself.  I will always be here for myself, I know myself better than anyone, I know what I want, and I won't ever leave. I should be enough company for myself, shouldn't I? But, everytime that I believe this I still feel alone. God should be a part of this entire equation but for some reason He is absent. People say that God will always be there for you and He will never let you down, well...okay I guess. But, I am alone and I feel let down...I've been trying to figure all of this out for years now and I keep coming to the same answer...nothing. Just emptiness that can only be filled by my own psychological efforts. 

When everything is lonely 
I can be my own best friend 
Get a coffee and the paper have my own conversations 
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection 
The mask I polish in the evening 
By the morning looks like shit 
And I know you have a heavy heart 
I can feel it when we kiss 

But what was normal in the evening 
By the morning seems insane 
And I'm not sure what the trouble was 
That started all of this 
The reasons all have run away 
But the feeling never did 
Not something I would recommend 
But it is one way to live 
Cause what is simple in the moonlight 
By the morning never is 
Yeah it was simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated 

Changing Weather

Not only does the weather keep changing everyday, but so is my mood from day to day.

Well, if I could tame all of my desires  Wait out the weather that howls in my brain  Because it seems that it�s always changing  The wind's indecision, the sorrowful rain  I was a postcard, I was a record  I was a camera until I went blind  Now I�m riding all over this island  Looking for something to open my eyes 

Train Underwater-Bright Eyes

Everyday, or even every hour is different in my head. I can be happy go lucky at one second and then it will completely change. I think about myself too much and I ruin who I love. These drastic changes are starting to make my head hurt. It's like how the weather is changing so often because of "global warming" and eventually it is all going to overflow into a flood. It will eventually flood over my entire being.

A Common Introduction

I would like to take this space up to introduce myself. 

My name is Jes Scott and as of February 19, 2009, I am 21 years old. 

I go to Bethel College in Mishawaka, Indiana I major in Communications and I run both track and cross country.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?  No, but I have told people that I was named after Queen Jessica of Scotland because my name is Jessica Scott, and quite honestly, a few people actually believed that...hmmm.... 

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?  I believe that the last time I cried would have been a few nights ago while I was with my friend Emma. I wasn't really allowing myself to cry, but the feeling and the tears were there... 

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?  Heck no, I have anorexic handwriting... 

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?  I like the Hilshire farm meats because they fresh instead of funky... 

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?  I consider my fish to be mine, his name is Valentino 

 6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?  Heck yes 

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?  Very much, in fact I struggle with people taking me seriously when it comes to certain things. People always just assume that I am being sarcastic, because the difference between serious and sarcastic is not major.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?  yep

 9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?  Definitley! It is one of the things on my list of things to do.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?  I thorougly enjoy a bowl of Reeses Puffs accompanied by a cold can of Dew! 

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?  Nope, unless they are particularly tight...  

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?  I used to, until I met Emma and she dominated me in everything that I did... 

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?  I love a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream mmmmmm 14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?  Unfortunatley the first thing I always notice about people is how they look. Yes I know I am shallow, but I'm just being honest....  

15. RED OR PINK?  Red, hate pink 

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?  Probably the fact that I can't get anything done right now and how lazy I've become. 

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?  My mom and my dog Buddy 

18. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?  I'm definitley not wearing shoes because I'm in bed, but I was wearing my super warm vans.  

19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?  A baked lays bbq potato chip 

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?  Radiohead, the song right now is Exit Music(for a film) from the Album OK Computer. 

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?  White because then no one would use me and I would always look fresh.  

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?  This may sound creepy but all of my friends an family have certain smells to them and I am very comforted when I smell that. 

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?  Emma Miller  

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?  Definitley beach house, have you ever been in a mountain when a storm hits, it's super scary and loud. On the beach it is just beautiful!  

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?  I really like to watch football, especially if my favorite team is playing. (Seattle Seahawks)  

27. HAIR COLOR?  I'm not positive what the name of it is but it is a dark rich brown that has a redish purple tone to it and then I have one purple streak in my hair that is starting to fade into a red wine color.

 28. EYE COLOR?  blue  

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?  unfortunatley, but they are clear 30. FAVORITE FOOD?  Right now, chocolate frosting! 

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?  Scary movies, happy endings don't ever make me feel happy, they make me realize the imposibility of a happy ending.

 32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?  Ace Ventura Pet Detective ;)  

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?  I'm wearing a white volcom t-shirt that has lime green and yellow graphics and I'm wearing my black vest. 

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?  Summer, definitley summer! I can't wait for this Hell of a winter to be over! Curse you middle east!

 35. HUGS OR KISSES?  I like hugs more than kisses because you can get hugs from everyone but you can only get kisses from some. Otherwise you will be considered a whore...  

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?  when my mom makes chocolate chocolate cake! 

 37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?  I like both because they both are very beneficial but I'll take a cardio work out before i test my strength and feel weak. 

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?  computer  

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?  I'm reading a lot of books because of school, so I'll tell you the closest one to me...The Rhetorical Act-thinking, speaking, and writing critically 

42. FAVORITE SOUND?  Music, especially Radiohead 

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?  Seattle Washington! Favorite place by the way!

 45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?  I am a runner, people tell me that I sing okay, I play guitar with minimal knowledge of it... 

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?  A military hospital in Texas 

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?  Mishawaka Indiana 

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?  I'm in a dorm, and it's brick 

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?  Red...oohh Zoey! 

Anyway, that is me....but there is more to it than that as you may have guessed so stick around and enjoy the show.